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You have to realize.
You have to realize, that it never starts like that. The girls I ofteen look at, are rare. They at least have the air of having lived and functioned in the world for a long time. She told me that much without speaking. I won’t even say what type of things she went through. I’m never this much of a snob to comprehend that she needed some of this. I never meant to be on that sand, or that park.
I am experiencing no regret about that night. I didn’t answer the way I should?. What was it?. I went home. Had everything ready. I really wanted to get back there, with the stars and the sand all over. It occurred to me that maybe she knew who I was—I mean she knew about me. She had that way about her, a rare way: sincere, awkward, caught up in her own scattered brain. I wanted the year to be over. I wanted the world to stop in that moment. I agreed to meet her again. For a minute there I had an anger in me. It’s rare that I let it come out around people, but I did.
I have a problem with meanness, smugness, lots of things that most of us are re-occuringly guilty of, and I don’t appreciate having them forced upon me by someone I don’t know or knew. I don’t know anymore… just hope she felt that way too.
I’m always testing people in my personal life, baring my teeth to them. I’m always giving a taste of the worst of me. With women more often than men, I hide nothing. I should be better at not thinking about these random aggressions from strangers. But if I ask someone to stop putting their outwardly directed failings in my face and they won’t, I become irate.
I know I’ll write this girl back. I actually am right now while I’m writting this. I’ll let her know that her assumption did not disgusted me, even when it was an ugly thing to assault someone else with.
Her delusion in presuming to tell a stranger about her life and the lives of people she knows, people whom, given her own deficit of compassion, she can only conjure up in the crudest, most demeaning terms.
Can’t say that I do not like her ways.
(Source: lebrau)
4 weeks ago 1 note
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